Emmett on the line
by Lisaslovestories
Summary: Emmett is up to no good... Wanna take a peek inside his head? Outtake from Binary Star popcorn scene . Rated M because.. Ah you all know that Emmett has got one dirty mind!


**A/N: This is just a little something I wrote simply because I love Emmett, and I love being inside of Emmett's dirty mind. It's quite entertaining ;) **

**So, this outtake takes place while Bella is spending the evening at the Cullen's house. It was meant to be in the original story, but simply didn't fit. However, I felt like Emmett needed to have a little fun...**

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**Emmett on the line.**

It just lay there.

On the table.

Teasing me.

Tempting me.

Begging to be touched.

Mischief wanting to happen.

_Quickly, think of something else_. A present for Rosalie, should I get her a new pair of those eatable underwear, perhaps? I don't actually eat them but I enjoy buying them because the sales lady always blushes when I ask if what kind of flavour she prefers. I just love messing with people like that, it's hilarious.

I kept thinking of different options for Rosalie's present, and noticed how Edward fidgeted in the sofa, not so inconspicuously trying to adjust himself. That stunt Bella just pulled with the popcorn hade made my brother a bit excited, that much was obvious.

I had to act quickly, and with Bella off to the bathroom for the moment and Edward busy thinking about Bella's hands all over him I had the perfect opportunity. He wasn't suspicious about my rambling about presents, so I reached over and grabbed Bella's phone which she had left on the table.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked, raising his eyebrows.

Luckily, living with a mind reader made you quite skilled at lying with your thoughts. Very handy in situations where I was up to no good. Which I usually was.

"Just gonna put my number into Bella's phone bro, in case she needs someone to vent to about all that vampire fetish drama. Unless you're worried she'll end up having a crush on me as well?" I chuckled, and earned an elbow in the ribs from Rosalie and an eye roll from Edward.

"Whatever..." He muttered, and shifted in his seat again.

"A bit uncomfortable over there, little brother?" I asked innocently. Or well, as innocent as I can be.

"Shut up Em, or I'll put my uncomfortable foot in your comfortable ass." I couldn't help but to laugh at him. Geez, sexually frustrated Edward was much more fun than brooding Edward.

"Watch it there, or I'll start throwing popcorn at you Eddikins." I teased, and he growled at me.

I looked down at the phone, still covering my thoughts so Edward wouldn't know what I was doing.

"So, are you gonna get back at her for that little stunt she just pulled? I bet you could work wonders if you drop some peanut butter in her lap" I laughed, and while talking I had gone online on Bella's phone and found a download site.

"Ewww Emmett, that's just gross." Rosalie complained.

"Come on baby, food sex is hot! You know how I always fantasised about you and me and a grizzly-"

"Okay thanks Em, that mental image will be enough for now". Jasper interrupted, and I chuckled. These people were much too prudent for my liking. I looked down and saw that the site had finished loading, so I quickly pushed the download button and waited.

"Erm, Edward?" Jasper said hesitantly. "Are you okay? I'm sensing some… Frustration… from you."

Edward didn't answer, he just glared at Jasper. Oh boy this was just too good to not comment on!

"Feeling a bit hot and bothered over there, brother? Perhaps you should go take a cold shower? Bella's still in the bathroom, I'm sure she wouldn't mind giving you a…hand… if you know what I'm saying?"

Oh why didn't I have a camera with me? Edward's expression was fucking priceless!

"Are you guys saying that Mr 'No Bella I can't have sex with you cause I can't control myself-I have to leave-Oh I found you again let's have sex cause I've suddenly learned how to control myself'- Edward Cullen got super turned on by Bella searching his crotch from food?" Rosalie asked, causing both me and Jasper to burst out in laughter.

"You're even weirder than I thought, Edward" She continued, and then rolled her eyes as Edward showed her the finger in a very un-Edward-like manner.

I loved it when my family bickered like this, it proved that they did have a little Emmett inside them, even if they tried to hide it.

"Well, at least Edward isn't the only one who needs a cold shower…" Jasper said, and then nodded his head towards the bathroom. We all quieted down, suddenly none of them cared about giving Bella privacy the way they used to, but listened for sounds coming from the bathroom. Now that I thought about it, she'd been gone for quite some time.

"Is that…panting, I'm hearing?" I asked, grinning as the sound of Bella's ragged breathing reached us.

"Fuck…" The mumbled word made all of us stare at each other with wide eyes. Did little, sweet, innocent Bella just say fuck? Oh man this was good!

"Get a grip Bella, for god's sake" Bella mumbled again, and I looked at Edward who appeared to be a bit more pleased than he should be. Being Edward and all, he ought to act a bit more brooding, I mean.

"Doesn't she realize that we can hear her?" Rosalie asked in a low voice, not wanting to disturb our eavesdropping.

"Uhm, she's kind of… Preoccupied. I don't think she's aware we're listening. Which we totally shouldn't. It's very wrong." Jasper said, but then fell silent and waited for what Bella would say next. Hypocrite.

"Yeah, we should stop." Alice agreed, but even she didn't make an effort to start another conversation to drain out the sound of Bella's mumbles.

We're all just a group of sick, perverted, eavesdropping vampires I guess. Hell, I'm okay with that, this shit is hilarious! I looked down at the phone again, as everyone else was busy listening to Bella, and quickly completed my little scheme. This was going to be so fun!

"Edward, shouldn't we stop?" Jasper asked Edward, just as frustrated moan came from the other side of the bathroom door. Ah hell what I wouldn't give to know what Bella was doing. Not that I want to see or anything, but it would be so fun to tease her about it later.

"Yes, we should. Stop listening now you freaks, that's my girlfriend in there." Edward said, looking slightly dazed. I wonder if he realized that he had called her his girlfriend, but he was probably too busy imagining what Bella was doing in there that made her pant and moan like that. Bet he whished he'd let me put up those cameras around the house right now.

We all straightened up as we heard the sound of Bella's footsteps moving towards the bathroom door. Her heartbeats had slowed down slightly and the panting was less noticeable.

We still heard it though. You can't hide anything from vampires after all. I finished with her phone quickly and placed it back on the table. Now all I had to do was wait…

No one spoke as Bella walked back into the living room and sat down next to Edward again. I wondered if the rest of them noticed how he discreetly adjusted himself again as soon as she was at his side.

Ah hell, my little brother has got it bad!

"You okay over there?" I asked, purposefully not directing my question at anyone in particular.

"Yes." Both Edward and Bella answered at the same time, looking rather uncomfortable. I'm sure that if it was possible, Edward would have blushed as much as Bella did right then. I couldn't help but to laugh at them, ignorant little kids. They should just accept their fate and get in on already. But maybe this was some kind of foreplay? Perhaps Bella was kinkier than I had given her credit for? Intriguing thought to say the least.

We spent the rest of the night watching TV and acting as if we couldn't all hear how Bella's breathing became heavier every time Edward would shift his seat (to adjust himself over and over. I started to feel bad for the poor fucker, I would never have made it this long if it was me) accidently, or purposefully, touching her briefly.

If vampires had their own version of America's funniest home videos, I sure as hell would have filmed this evening, sent the tape in and won first price. A vampire with a hard on and a panting human sitting next to each other, throwing popcorn around and pretending that there wasn't a big, sexy elephant in the room? Priceless!

Eventually Bella decided it was time for her to go home, and we all said good bye as Edward led her out the room.

I couldn't wait for tomorrow…

When morning came Edward was even more sullen than usual, and I rolled my eyes at him. That guy would never be happy until he kicked some teacher vamp's butt and won the girl back.

Of course, I did feel sympathy for him. I wasn't an ass who didn't care about feelings, however I did find it irritating that they both struggled so hard when giving in would do them both more good. Oh well, I'd let them figure it out for themselves. Perhaps there would be more popcorn dropping if I let them go at it their own way? Totally worth it!

We all left for school together, Edward trailing behind as he brooded to himself. I covered my thoughts the whole time, I was to close to my goal now to afford messing it up.

I didn't have class until 9, but I wanted to pull my little joke off as soon as possible so I got there earlier than I needed. I was a bit surprised that Alice hadn't caught on to what I was up to, but I just assumed that she was too busy searching for Edward and Bella's possible future to notice my little prank. That worked out rather perfectly for me.

Alice had mentioned that Bella didn't have any classes until later, but that she would spend the morning reading in the library. I smiled at the convenience, it was like someone wanted me to do this.

I said goodbye to my family and headed for the library, praying that Bella would have her phone with her and that the sound wouldn't be turned off… An audience would be nice, too.

I snickered to myself, Edward would kill me if he knew what I was up to.

Well would you look at that, I thought as I spotted Bella in the school library, sitting at a table with some other girl. The tables around them were also occupied, and I definitely had a promising audience.

Suddenly I caught sight of the one person that would make this little prank even better. But could I? Would it be overstepping? Or would it be the icing on the cake that **he** of all people would be here to witness?

I decided on the latter, it was just fun after all. No harm meant, just some really entertaining embarrassment for my could-have-been sister in law. It's all done out of love! Or something along those lines…

Derek was sitting 4 tables away from Bella, seemingly engrossed in his book. Of course, someone who was watching him closely, as I was doing at the moment, would notice that his gaze flickered from his book to Bella every other second.

How cute. And totally inappropriate, I thought to myself, trying to stifle my snickering.

It was kind of weird that someone with a vampire fetish, like our dear Bella, would just happen to find two vampires with human fetishes. Ah, it did no good trying to figure out how things worked when Bella was involved, that girl was a magnet for trouble. And lovesick vampires. And wicked vampires up to no good, such as myself…

I took out my phone and dialled the number I had found in her contact list on her phone, under the name "myself". Typical Bella thing to do, she'd probably forget her own name if people didn't use it on a daily basis. Like _'Bella you look tasty in that skirt, 'Bella I swear I love you for your mind, not your blood', 'Hey Bella I'm a hot, rich vampire. Wanna hook up?' _or_ 'Did you just fall down AGAIN, Bella?'_

I waited excitedly, hoping badly that she had the sound switched on…

A couple of seconds later, a loud beat began to play. Bella and everyone else around her looked up in surprise, and to my great joy, Bella didn't seem to realise that the noise was coming from her own bag on the floor. She just looked around the room in panic as Nelly started singing the chorus.

_Everybody look at me, me  
I walk in the door you start screaming  
Come on everybody what chu here for?  
Move your body around like a nympho  
Everybody get your necks to crack around  
All you crazy people come on jump around  
I want to see you all on your knees, knees  
You either want to be with me, or be me!_

Man eater, make you work more  
Make you spend more  
Make you want all, of her love  
She's a man eater  
make you buy cars  
make you cut cards  
make you fall real hard in love  
Wish you never ever met her at all!

And when she walks she walks with passion  
when she talks, she talks like she can handle it  
when she asks for something boy she means it  
even if you never ever see it  
everybody get your necks to crack around  
all you crazy people come on jump around  
you doing anything to keep her by your side  
because, she said she love you, love you long time!

I tried. I really, really tried to not laugh. But seriously, the expression on Bella's face when she finally realized that the sound was coming from her phone was the funniest thing I had ever seen. And man, I've seen some crazy hilarious shit.

Bella quickly reached into her bag and pulled out her phone, shutting it off. I don't think I've ever seen a person blush so red before, she looked like a stop sign. Everyone was looking at her now, snickering quietly and whispering.

I turned to look at Derek, and he had a perplexed expression on his face as he watched Bella.

"I don't know what that was, I didn't choose that song…" Bella mumbled to the girl sitting next to her. Her face was still bright red, and I wished that I had brought a camera for this.

"Oh Bella don't be shy, we should all be more like Nelly. Take control and shit, you know" Bella's friend said.

"Uhm, yeah, sure I guess… Control, right."

Bella suddenly turned her head in my direction, and I was too busy trying not to laugh to pull back in time.

Oops. Guess I'd been caught.

Her eyes widened when she spotted me, and then her embarrassed and shocked expression turned into a furious one.

"I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You." She mouthed at me, and shit she was beyond mad.

Would it sound weird if I said I was afraid of a 110 pound human girl? Cause right now, I kind of was.

I guess Bella just really doesn't like Nelly Furtado...

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**So? Did it make you laugh? Smile? Roll your eyes? Tell me! **


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